Wednesday - October 1, 2003

7:08a - I got an "okay" nights sleep for a change last night. I was still up until about 1am, even though I went to bed before 11pm. I actually dozed off after about 15 minutes in bed when Kira suddenly barked and startled me awake. Then I couldn't get to sleep again and I got interested in an episode of X-Files.

Once I finally did get to sleep, I must have slept wrong, my right shoulder & neck hurt.

7:16a - I had weird dreams last night; too confusing to try to explain. There was ride on a transport system that seemed more like a roller coaster; a meal in which we had to cook our own food at some outdoor activity; a glass of water in which I had lined the glass with a piece of plastic from a trash bag... and more bizarre scenes... a crazy, mish-mashed jumbled of weirdness with an overall feeling of unease.

8:10p - I finished the tiny little book I was reading called "TA" at lunch today. I was nice to read something quick & easy again. I am working on some more web site ideas with "layers" tonight. I have been learning new things from the DreamWeaver site that I joined.

8:12p - Time to feed the K Dog...

A full circle panoramic from the living room...

9:15p - Skip just got up. I was in the living room eating a strange concoction of rutabaga, pea pods and turkey, cooked in a broth & seasoning from the pork roast I cooked the other day. This was the second night in a row his (my) little alarm clock did not go off. I don't know why he does not use the big one I bought him. I am using it. It has a dual alarm and I have set for both of us.

I got a page created for Clara to help sell her land.

Thursday - October 2, 2003

Happy Birthday and Welcome to Elohi! Your very first day ... Tehya Ruby Rose

1:30a- Little do I know, but right about this moment in far-away England, my dear friend Ruby Dancingmoon is becoming "Elisi" (a grandmother) ... for her daughter is bringing forth upon Elohi (mother Earth) a new life! Osda! Tsilugi, Tsidetsisdi!!

7:31a - I still did not get to bed until about 1am. I did not mean for that to happen. I was going to bed about 11p, but I had to finish just a little bit more of the "land" page... and time flew by again. Oops. I didn't drink though, so I am just a little sleepy this morning. At least I didn't lay awake all night. I have not drank any beer since Saturday. I did drink all that wine on Monday night though... I did not mean to do that really, and I regretted it the next day!

7:39a - It's cold this morning! This is the coldest day yet I think. I just checked the temperature... as of 6:52a it was 34°! ...almost freezing!

I was SOOOooo tired on the ride home this evening. I dozed off on the train and the bus... I hate doing that. I stopped off at Captain-D's and then picked up some beer at Q-Mart before coming home.

I am having some beers tonight (as referenced above). I have not had any beer since Saturday! That's not like me. But that is fine...

9:24p - Skip says he doesn't think it could possibly have been that cold this morning. He may be right. Yahoo has made mistakes before!

Friday - October 3, 2003

Happy Birthday to me! now 46! Happy Birthday also to Brenda Phelps - Frances Bowen - Pam Duffy & David Williams!

8:53a- I've been up for a couple of hours, but I took the day off from work for my birthday. I was going to sleep, but I have been working on Clara's "Land for Sale" page and going through my email. Skip should be getting home shortly. I think I will go lay back down now. Maybe I will finally sleep. I woke up around 3 or 4am and stayed awake all night until I finally got up to let Kira out around 7am. I thought I was going to go right back to bed, but here I am!

Skip got me a DVD player for my birthday... bud sadly, it did not work. It would say "NO DISC" on the display. I walked back over to Wal-Mart later and returned it. I added to the refund money and bought a larger model with a VCR/DVD combination. I hooked it up and it played immediately.

Saturday - October 4, 2003

I got up earlier than I intended. I made it to see Jo for my haircut, WAY early. I picked up a carton of cigarettes for Skip before I arrived. I had my hair cut early. Skip tried to get the schedule of the Broadway bus for me, online, but couldn't get it to come up. It did not matter. I did not take too long. I bought about $28 of spices and a few veggies.

I walked over to Tad's house for the first time this afternoon and worked on him computer some. I set him up an email account on jubchuQun and set up his OutLook Express. He needs an antivirus program though.

Marty & JR came this evening about 8:30p. He gave me a ride over to Wal-Mart and I bought a chiffarobe for about $82. I am putting it in the kitchen. After we got back home, I gave Marty a haircut. I think it came out fairly good, but he had not shampooed his hair, so it was harder to manage. He also brought over more peppers! They swapped out the barrel of cans; it was nearly full.

The last of my meds arrived today, and I just ordered them on Monday. That was much better than in the past.

Sunday - October 5, 2003 Skip put the chiffarobe together today. He had it almost done when I got up this morning. I didn't do much of anything today. I finally walked over to Dollar General and picked up some candles and a miniature baker's rack which I placed on top of the chiffarobe. 11:35p - This picture shows a "giant" chalice on top. That was my goofing around, I did really mean to put that version on this page, but its here and I don't feel like removing it now. 11:36p - Tad took Skip to the train station a bit ago. Billy is back in town.

Monday - October 6, 2003

7:23a - I sure wanted to stay in bed this morning, but its time to start another work week. I have my evaluation on Friday. It was so bad on me last year that I am really dreading this. I will be glad when its over.

I took a couple of the pictures of the front of our building. They have it all ripped out doing some major construction work. They are extending the building further out toward the sidewalk.

I got home this evening and Skip had still not done dishes. I fixed fajitas again Saturday and said he would clean up this time. He did not clean up Sunday and this morning he called me if there was anything I needed him to do. I said "just the dishes..." ...and nothing was done. They living room was still in disarray, dirty pans of food & water were fermenting on the stove, the garbage was once again not taken out. It took me 2 hours to clean up before I could start my supper. When Skip got up, he start thanking for doing the dishes, but I just didn't want to hear it. There was no excuse. He tried blame it on putting the chiffarobe together, but that was yesterday. He may not have a lot of time and may be tired, but I don't have much time and I am tired too. I am just really getting tired of his being so inconsiderate. Then, every now and then he will do something "considerate" and will always try to point to that incident to justify all the rest of the time that is NOT considerate. I don't think he really even see how wrong this behaviour is. I should not responsible for managing his money, paying his bills, keeping him employed or cleaning up after him. I feel so angry and helpless.

I fixed burritos for supper and left the kitchen completely cleaned up again. Now... let's see what it looks like tomorrow.

Tuesday - October 7, 2003

9:08a - I am late this morning! I could not sleep again last night. This is getting very aggravating. I did not get to sleep until after 4:00a and then I woke up several times. I am definitely going to have to discuss this with my doctor!

Well... too late I suppose. I did not get in to work until 11:00a today and was immediately called in to conference with my Manager and Director. They basically told me I should be looking for another job! I was, of course, very upset. It was their intention to send me home without pay for the day, but they just don't know what I've been going through. Once I confided that it was a medical problem they did not send me home without pay, but the situation is still most dire. I contacted my doctor's office. Dr. C is out of town, but Dr. A was in. He had to pull my charts and review my stats. I am going to have to dump all my personal and medical history in my management's lap and I am very resentful. Resentful for the circumstances that led me to this point, and resentful that I must reveal personal and private matters on a public level. However, this appears to be the only way to preserve my current position. They do not understand that this is not simply a threat against my job... but a threat against my life! I am very scared and upset. I was doing so well... until I started taking medications. It is just not right. It has been a very upsetting and depressing day. I don't remember how long it has been since I had such a feeling of despair. Why bother fighting? Why continue? As has been said, "Eat right, take your vitamins, exercise...and die anyway"). That's about my assessment of the situation now.

Of course, it did not help any when I came home and (as fully expected) the garbage dumpster was still out by the road. Skip did not bring it back up to the house. He just lets me do it all unless its something that entertains him (like putting the chiffarobe together).

Tad called me a few minutes after getting home and asked me to come over and move his computer. I was really not in the mood, but he has been so good to me .... how could I refuse? Anyway, it was probably good for me to get physically involved and help him with moving a big wooden table, and unhooking his computer. I knew I would be going home and moping over my personal problems anyway. I am glad I could help.

Tad says he will give me a ride Thursday morning to the train depot. Dr. A is going to talk with me about the problems I am having. I will have to let them know I can make it. An 8:45a appointment is awful early for someone with no car living in another state.

I have a second candle burning for young Brendan, who just underwent surgery... and one for myself; for my OWN problems.

10:27p - I am having some beer tonight. I was not going to drink this week, but after the depressing events of the day, I decided to relent.

10:45p - I am reheating some of my burritos from last night. That will be supper (again)... as it was lunch.

10:58p - It's coming along nicely. I am slowly cooking it in some of the fat off one of the roasts that I cooked recently.

I started reading another old book from my collection this morning. It is interesting (so far) and (so far) I don't remember it! It's amazing how much one can forget! I mean TOTALLY. I used to remember every book I read, but now there are so many that some seem to push others out. This book, from my old collection, is "Demon of Undoing" by Andrea I. Alton.

The last "old" book I read (and it was starting to fall apart on me), was "Ta" by John Robert Russell.

 

Wednesday - October 8, 2003

12:41a - I finished cooking 3 more chimichangas from the left over beef and pork I had in the fridge. I will take a couple to work for lunch tomorrow. Maybe Gary would like one.

12:44a - Anyway... hopefully the beer I drank tonight will help me get enough sleep. I hate to induce sleep this way, but I MUST sleep!

1:12a - Off to bed!

7:26a - I went to sleep right away, but I woke up around 4:30 or 5am and could not go back to sleep again. The alarm went off at 7am and I hit the snooze button. I finally started to doze off (of course)... and the alarm went off again. I hit it one more time, but got up before it went off. I am so tired and depressed. I will be glad when the weekend gets here. This is a very stressful week. I will have to get up a bit earlier tomorrow, and Friday promises to be very bad. My review is going to suck, plus I am going to have to reveal matters of my personal and medical life that should not be anyone's business. It's going to be embarrassing and demeaning and I am dreading it most severely. Also, I am probably going to get sleepy at work again today since I once again did not get enough sleep.

7:32a - I suppose I better get in the shower and get as motivated as I can...

I picked up my note from Dr. A this afternoon instead of tomorrow morning. I have an appointment with Dr. C on Monday morning.

It was a long day. I heard that Schnucks was on strike, but they were open after work and I stopped by. Then I could find nothing that interested me for supper, so I went to KFC.

Thursday - October 9, 2003

Happy Birthday to Skip Leo Augustus Bartlett Lewis October 9, 1968

7:41a - I have to hurry, but ... YAY! ... I got a full night's sleep for a change! I slept ALL night! It has been so long it seems like a major achievement.

11:28a - I walked in to mess at work this morning; apparently IDXRad has been down since about 4:00a. Then there was an issue with my time sheet, which had to be adjusted since I missed time on Tuesday. I came in at 11:00a that day and, as usual during such situations, I did not take a lunch break. I feel guilty going to lunch after coming in late! I worked from 11 to 6... 7 hours total. I counted one hour of vacation; that's 8 hours. They say that since I came in an hour and a half late that I should take an hour and a half vacation and then take my lunch. I told them to take off the hour and a half... I really don't care; I am not trying to cheat the system or anything. I am just trying to be accurate. I was just doing it the way I have been doing it for the last 3 years. There has never
been a question before.

11:51a - My chest has been feeling tight, almost a pain ever since this incident this morning. I am getting too stressed out. I will have to discuss this with Dr. C on Monday too. I don't know why I am suddenly becoming "a target" at work. I have enough problems without all this being piled on top. I do a good job and I know I do. They have a misconception of me and I can't get them to listen to me. Whatever I say seems to be shot down before I get it out of my mouth. 11:54a - I don't care if they want to take 2 hours off my vacation. I have plenty. It will be worth an hour's vacation to get them off my back.

Construction on our front steps at work continues.

12:07p - LZ left for the day to get her brakes fixed/checked. It is pouring rain. I should have worn my jacket today I suspect. I am very depressed again. I feel I am being harassed at work. Everything I do or say seems to be attacked here lately. "And this too shall pass..." (I keep saying this to myself).

12:32p - I just realized, there will be no one here to cover me for lunch (as usual) today. I am eating leftover KFC at my desk now... I was starving.

1:07p - It's after 1pm ... no one has said a thing to me about who is supposed to cover me for lunch, though it has been made clear that I am supposed to take my lunch break. I guess I have to go ask permission to take the lunch I have been ordered to take... I am so confused...

1:19p - My chest is hurting more... I hope I am not about to have a heart attack or something. Maybe its just anxiety and stress (which I guess could still cause a heart attack).

2:26p - All the merges are done, my email is empty, help desk email is empty, no voice mail pending... I am fairly well caught up on everything. My chest still feels funny. At least I slept well last night. I am getting just a small case of after lunch sleepies... but not too bad.

2:33p - Oh great... it looks like IDXRad just died again! ...and I am on the Help Desk by myself.

2:48p - It looks like it is not related to this morning's outage.

3:33p - Our technical guru, Larry D., just arrived regarding IDXRad.

3:41p - Now I am getting sleepy again... eyelids fluttering and such. But I got a good night's sleep last night. I just took a "Stay Awake" caffeine pill ... yet I can barely hold my eyes open!

3:44p - Oh! It is bad. I barely know what I am typing.

3:45p - Almost passed out just now...!

4:27p - IDXRad is back on line again.

4:28p - My hyper-drowsiness seems to have subsided. It was hitting me very badly a few minutes ago! I nearly keeled over at my desk. I actually blacked out for a moment. This is very distressing. The chest pain has finally subsided though. I am not sure when, it just gradually faded out.

4:36p - Skip just call me asking where to find Kira's leash. He said he was going to walk down to the store and take her with him. Now what's he going to do with her when he gets there? He said he was going to tie her up outside. He just recently expounded at length to me how he was told that you never tell anyone in Cahokia you have a Pit Bull because they are considered to be a valuable commodity item there. Now he wants to leave her unattended in public! Besides which, even though she is a good natured and gentle dog, she is still a dog and if she felt sufficiently provoked, she could still bite; and who would be liable? Not him... it would be me getting sued, and Kira probably being 'put down' (as it is so prettily phrased). He said he would see if he could take her in the store since they smoke in there... oh, boy...

5:00p - ONE HOUR LEFT AT WORK! The days this week have been too long and stressful. Tomorrow isn't going to be much better. After all hoopty-do about my being ill and coming in late, I am sure to get a crappy review. I am fairly disgusted and despondent over the entire affair. I have been doing a better job than they really realize, but as Conrad used to be so fond of telling me, perception is 90% of most any situation.

5:29p - Just about time to leave. I better get my umbrella ready...

7:56p - Finally home and resting. What a stressful day! Tomorrow will be no better I fear. Oh well... I have already resigned myself to a bad evaluation based on misconceptions and bad perceptions. I am older than both of my evaluators and have been through more experiences than they could possibly understand, and have worked in the office environment for nearly 30 years. Y'aav' inb' iinkthangye Y'utsh' og' uut' iithe "Echy'Arye" iidarpentme ... afyerte Aye t'g'aim' iirortp' aamfr' Okdorte Campbell aany' Unmeide. Aanj' aalyose, eimiibe Y'utsh og' uut' iis' umsaanw' aach' iithe EAP orpraamgre. Y'aav' uut' est' aany' aim' ozte!

8:06p - As you might notice, I did today what I have thought of doing for a long time. I kept a running time-stamped log of my day at work. I kept it in an email, and just sent it home before shutting down in the evening. I think I will try to continue doing this

8:13p - After work I went to Wally-World. It is still sprinkling rain and I did not have my umbrella as I thought I did! Fortunately, it was not too bad. I picked up a cute birthday card (starring "Daffy Duck") and simply got Skip a $50 gift card. He usually appreciates simplicity. I splurged for no reason at all and bought 3 DVD's (@8.88/ea). Let me see... I got the comedy "Kung Pao" (Steve Oedekerk); another comedy "Big Mama's House" (Martin Lawrence); and "Romeo Must Die" (with Jet Li and "Aaliyah" ... who tragically did die). 10:00p - I suppose I should do something about supper now... :-/ I ended up making a festive platter of smother burritos! See picture...

Friday - October 10, 2003

7:14p - I felt bad this morning; I woke up around 5am I think, and could not get back to sleep. But be damned if I was going to be late again! I knew that part of my problem was concern over my job and today's evaluation.

I finished off the book that I was reading, "Demon of Undoing." This is one of the books in which I taped the receipt to the back page. It shows that I purchased it on May 25, 1988... over 15 years ago! (wow... I was only 30 years old when I bought this book!). I couldn't remember a thing about the book, though a few parts seemed vaguely familiar. Just barely. The receipt is from Walden Books, so I probably bought it downtown on Church Street (or was that a B. Dalton? ... now I am not sure...).

7:35p - For lunch today I just had a bowl of soup (in fact, that's all I've eaten today). I was not feeling too hungry with the pending review. I met with BS, LR and DB in the conference room at a few minutes till 2:00p and we got underway. I wasn't as bad as I had feared and dreaded, I am glad to report. It could have been better, and my overall score with a possible high of 4 was a 2. Last year it was a 3, yet the comments made on my review last year had me very riled. I spent a week or more writing a response to the various inaccurate accusations. This time I had resolved myself to simply sign the thing and be done with it, since it would not really accomplish anything. Fortunately, I did not have much complaint about the comments in the review, they were mostly accurate, though I have some mild disagreement with certain perceptions. I just signed off on it immediately so that it could be submitted to HR, processed, and over with. I get a 2% increase, which is a move up... if only a little. I try... I do my best.

My "tardiness issue" is the biggest problem. I understand where they are coming from, but they don't understand the seriousness of my situation. It is stuff I will not get into here since this is an on-line journal and anyone can read it. I will have to wait and see what Dr. C can do for me. I hate to have to burden him with my problems, but I guess that's why he "makes the big bucks" (as they say). I had LR prepare me a written inquiry/explanation to submit to the doctor so he could provide a comprehensive response. Frankly, I think I was more offended by the wording in her letter to the doctor than I was by anything in the review process today! For example, it mentioned that I came in 5½ hours late one day. I was sick that day, but I felt a sense of duty and responsibility. I did not want to cause my co-workers undue hardship with my absence. So, despite being sick, I dragged myself in by bus and train to cover the evening shift so that no one would have to work late and cover me. From now on, I will not be concerned since it is obvious that, instead of looking responsible, I look "late." I will just be sick next time, and STAY sick, rather than be "tardy."

7:56p - Kira is really bugging me for attention tonight.

9:42p - Strangely, I have still not eaten, am not hungry, and have only had the moderate bowl of mostly-potato soup at lunch.

I watched "Big Mama's House" tonight. Skip seems to think it has been around for years and that he watched it back in about 1998/99.... I don't think so. I think this movie came out AFTER I moved to St. Louis in 2000, so it would be 2001/02 in my opinion. We will see....

10:10p - My new word in Tsalagi tonight is gohunvhi ... or "wing."

Saturday - October 11, 2003

The leaves on the tree in the front yard are starting to turn to fall colours...

I did not get up until just before 2pm. I needed to catch up on my rest. I did so.... sort of. I had a strange dream that stands out in my mind. I was in some big city (not sure where, but it was not St. Louis). It was the Forth of July (at least I knew the date!). There was a car wreck somewhere and all the traffic was backed up. I was standing on a corner and for some reason I splashed a bowl of water on an elderly lady sitting in a car waiting to move along. I thought I was being funny and that she would appreciate the humor of the situation. She did not seem to do so. I suddenly started to feel rude and stupid for dashing the water on her, so I poured another container over my own head while laughing and tried to make it look "oh so funny..." This was just one of many strange dreams. I forgot to take my meds last night, but this does not seem to stop my strange dreams from occurring!

Skip and I went over to Tad's today. I took him a new mouse pad to start with. Then we went over to coordinate a trip to Wal-Mart and Schnucks. Everything got totally scrambled. We thought he was supposed to pick us up at our placed, but he thought he was supposed to pick us up at Wal-Mart... I won't go into the confusing details, but it was a "comedy of errors"... and we got through it all. Tad is patient and understanding, even though he acts like an impatient Queen. I think I could come to appreciate him very much. Blake, I suspect, is losing a good deal by dumping him (as is the picture as I see it... won't go into more detail)....

Sunday - October 12, 2003
View my Video Diary entry from 10-12-1990

5:23a - Yikes! ... must be off to bed!!! I loaned Deana $20 this morning. She drove me to the store, which was convenient. I spent most of today doing "nothing much." Skip fired up the grill and we cooked a few beasts on it. My portion included some pork ribs. I fixed some corn (not on the cob) to go with it. I munched on this for most of the day. Tad called and said Blake is in town and supposed to stop by to visit. No problem. Blake never did show ... no explanation provided. I'm glad we didn't have plans today!

Monday - October 13, 2003

Tad picked me up this morning and gave me ride to the train depot. I managed to make it to the Grant Medical Center in plenty of time.

Dr. C. did exactly as I suspected and simply "reversed" my medicine sequence. I don't know if this will alleviate my sleeping problems or not, but I will try it. Meanwhile, he has prescribed that I stay home for the rest of the week while I adjust to the change. I feel wrong about missing more work, but maybe its the right thing to do. I don't know any more. I just want to live my life quietly and without all these problems.

I came home and took my opposite dosage first thing. I was fine for a while and took Kira for a long walk over by "the canal," a small waterway in walking distance from here. I took some pictures. It was a beautiful day. I came back home and passed out on the sofa. The meds were hitting me and I was having weird dreams.

Tuesday - October 14, 2003
View my Video Diary entry from 10-14-1990

9:00p - Skip's alarm just went off.

I had more weird dreams this morning... that medication again. I dreamed about Chad. He had won some event in the Olympics. However, he and his two other winners all were wearing kilts and full-out Scots garb. To express their selves and their excitement in at winning, the all jumped in the air, making a 380 degree revolution, and their kilts fanned out to reveal that they were wearing them in the traditional style with nothing underneath! Then I learned that he won some "special" event and I had to find out what that was. I discovered that is was "The Special Olympics"!! ... and Chad had won a "reading contest"! ... what a strange dream! I'm sorry, Chad, if you read this and are offended. I could not control the silly dream! You looked pretty good in it though! I never thought of you as looking so dashing in a kilt!!

I watched "Titan A.E." on DVD tonight. It was great! I highly recommend it! You may not be a big fan of animated movies (nor am I....)... but his was a GREAT one!!

9:37p - Skip just left for work.

Wednesday - October 15, 2003

1:03p - I am bored.

2:14a - Off to bed. I should have been to bed long ago...

This was another day of being bored and sitting at home depressed about my situation at work. Then Gentry's sent a response to my letter and the STILL want me to pay $468. That just added to my woes. Skip is working his new position part time for now, plus his regular job, so he is making a little over time. I fixed a big supper tonight. I baked a couple of pork steaks, boiled & mashed a rutabaga, and fixed some broccoli & cheddar cheese. It was both filling and fulfilling. I went over to Tad's late this evening and help him fix some settings on his computer.

Thursday - October 16, 2003

Happy Birthday to Gary Anderson!

I felt nauseous and "yucky" most all day. I got up at 7am and took my meds and went back to bed. I literally had hallucinations! I thought someone moved the TV tray in my room and when I sat up to see where it went, I saw Thor at the end of my bed! I knew this could not be, and that I was "dreaming" .. but I could not get out of it! It was an unpleasant and disturbing experience. Then there was something about the number 108 and 165 that kept pushing the way into my thoughts. I don't know what that was all about.

After getting up (fairly early) I watch 2-3 episodes of "Forever Knight" and then walked over to Block Buster. I rented a couple of DVD's. I got "Jeepers Creepers" ... it was okay. Not to bad for a horror flick; and "S1mone" ... which was very entertaining. That was a good movie. I did enjoy it. Later I walked over to Captain D's for some supper. It was about 6pm and already getting dark out. Storm clouds were building and the wind was starting to whip up. I wore my jacket, but it was not too cold ...

I went to bed about 11:30pm, feeling sleepy.

Friday - October 17, 2003

3:33a - I have been up since about 1:30a. I could not sleep again. I don't know if the change in meds is helping or not, but now I am laying awake worrying about my job and about Gentry's squeezing more money out of me. I am in a new place and every sound it 'not right.' It was just too depressing. I did not want to "drink" myself to sleep tonight or take "PM's" to get to sleep, but I finally got back out of bed and poured myself a glass of wine to help. I've finished off about 2 bottles over the last 2 hours... and finally feel a bit sleepy. If this were a work night, I would be in trouble. Tad has been up and on line with me too, he could not sleep (worried about his jobless situation). I uploaded his pictures from his San Francisco trip and got that site more or less working. There are still some problems, but it is mostly working

3:56a - I am headed back to bed in a few minutes.

I got the "small" hand-out flyers done for Tad tonight. We went to Chili's for dinner, he returned some tiles to Lowe's, I deposited an accumulation of small checks, and then we went to Office Max and I bought some ink for my printer so I could print the flyers.

When we went through the drive-thru bank, Tad drove off while I was still holding the little pneumatic tube transporter container thingy! Thank goodness I realized I still had it before we left the bank! We drove around the building I put it back in the slot (laughing our head off at our dizzy blond selves!).

The meal at Chili's was pleasant, and the first food I had eaten all day. I had a rum & coke and a Dr. Pepper, and only got the Chili con Queso dip & chips. Tad got the "3 way" (or something like that). The whole meal came to less that $21... and we were stuffed. Not bad! Our waiter was "Luke."

We went out tonight... the first time I have gone "out" since last May in Sacramento! (wow...). We took Tad's friend Paul with us and met his millionaire friend, Mike, at Café Eau, then we went out with our flyers handing them out to acquaintances, new & old, inviting people to the party next Friday. Everything was going fine until I had to have a STUPID and awful accident! I tripped on some steps and fell, doing a nose-dive into cement! It knocked me senseless and I barely remember what happened. I was bleeding all over the place. They took me home and I woke up this morning in pain. I am a mess... so embarrassed, disgusted, and upset with myself. It was such a stupid clumsy thing to do. My face is a mess, but thankfully I did not crack my skull, break my nose or hit my teeth. I try to see the positive points, but it difficult when in pain.

Saturday - October 18, 2003

Happy Birthday to Several people Barry Stoves the late Todd Gauvin and dishonorable mention to Terry Wells

I woke up about 7:30a this morning. I was in pain and not feeling well at all. I took my meds (on schedule... being a "good boy") I showered and cleaned up, and then went back to bed, but I did not sleep. I didn't take the band-aid off my face either. I finally got up around 11:30 and made some pork/veggie soup, then went back to bed. I lay in bed until about 1:30p and did not sleep. I got up finally. My face looks awful... it so depressing.

Skip was grilling some meat, so I got my (aging) hamburger meat out of the fridge and mixed it with some garlic, onion and the remainder of my fresh (or not so fresh) cilantro. The coals were getting weak and it took forever and an day to cook the blasted things, but I made about 4 patties out if them. I ate 3 of them over the remainder of the day. That is all I ate (including the earlier soup) all day today. I hope I am losing a few pounds!

Marty came over tonight with JR and Billy (who is back in town now). They brought over the Habañero plants and then took me over to Wall-Mart where I picked up Skip's new "Futon" (I am still skeptical about the practicality of this...).

Sunday - October 19, 2003

Happy Birthday to Several people Barry Stoves the late Todd Gauvin and dishonorable mention to Terry Wells

Tad and his (os' uutkye) friend "Kyle" came over a little after 1:00a and picked up the flyers that I made. I am still using the ink from the old cartridges, but they are still working (so far...).

I finally pulled the band-aid off my nose-bridge and rubbed Neosporin on all my facial wounds. That should help some. ... I hate this... I hate pain... I hate the ugliness I have become... I hate the thought of going to work on Monday... oh well, what ever.... I will deal...

3:11a - Skip has his Futon put together and seems happy with it. 9:47p - I did nothing today... very boring. My face hurts. I did walk over to Block Buster and picked up some DVD's, then to KFC where I got some chicken. I didn't get my usual corn on the cob. I don't think I could manage it with my lip all busted up. Then I got home and could not get the DVD cases open! They forgot to remove the (very effective) theft deterrent device. It was too much hassle to walk back, but I called them. They told me to just cut the case open. I finally got one of them open after mauling it for about an hour with a hammer and wire cutters. I was disgusted. Well... I took 3 PM's tonight and am going to bed early. I plan on getting a good night's sleep. I dread going to work in the morning after being off for a week and then going in with my "face from hell."

Monday - October 20, 2003

Everyone had to stare at my face today and ask what happened... all about as expected. It was a long day and my face hurt (and the scrape on my right hand as well).

Someone has erased my Yahoo IM off of my PC at work. So, I was forced ahead of schedule to download and installed xReminder Pro 4.0.

I stopped by Captain D's after work to try their 24pc Shrimp Dinner for only $3.99. They use dinky little shrimp! I knew there would be a catch. I had their 16pc which is about $7 and the shrimp were nice and big. I knew there would be some catch to a 24pc for such a low price...and I was right. I started re-reading another of my old books. I must have bought it 27 years ago in 1976! By Eleanor Robinson, "The Chrysalis of Death." It's funny to think that I have carried this book around with me for all these years through all my experiences and finally decided to pick it up and read it again. The cover price is $1.50. It would be about $6.00 today.

Tuesday - October 21, 2003

Happy 57th Birthday to Aunt Marlene Pardue ~~~~~ Birthday Wishes en Memoriam to "The Mighty Quinn"

3:34p - I was so mortified this morning when GV came over to my desk and dropped off a FAX. It was my FMLA papers from my doctor's office and it had VERY specific information about my medical condition/history! Right there on the FAX machine for all the world to see! I know I said the information could be fax'ed, but I was thinking of 'original signatures' and such. I never dreamed they would put such personal information in the document. It asked for "facts" not "specific details." I was so upset I felt faint! Plus I asked them to provide me with a "doctor's release" to come back to work and told them that it had to have the current date on it. That is what HR told me and so I relayed that to them. They did not fax that over that information, nor explain why.

I immediately went the HR and asked JP about the situation, and then I left the office and walked (more like "stomped") to my doctor's office. I spoke to the aide there who up until now had been nice enough, but now she was real snippy with me like it was all MY fault. She said I gave them written permission to fax the information ... which is true in a sense. I had no idea they would include such personal information on the document so I was not concerned about it being faxed. If I had known they were going to expose my personal medical information to my employer, I would have been upset even if they had NOT faxed it! They put my specific ailment in writing to my employer and the exact treatment I was under! 4:24p - My face is a little better today, but still painful; especially the lacerations in my mouth. The pain kept me awake for part of the night as did the dogs barking next door and the trains... the damn trains were hootin' and tootin' off in the distance all night. They sounded like there were in my yard! I would start to doze off, then WWHHHHHHooooooOOOOoooo!! I was starting to get irritated with them. I guess I could here them so well because I had the windows open. It was up to about 87 yesterday!

5:36p - Almost time to shut down and go home here!

I stopped by the Dollar General tonight and picked up a cute little crystal candle hold shaped like an angel to send to Marlene for her birthday.

I fixed a nice supper consisting of a roast, mashed potatoes, gravy, and broccoli with cheese sauce. I invited Tad over and he joined me for supper. I made my lunch for tomorrow.

Wednesday - October 22, 2003

9:44a - I felt yucky this morning. I finished the book "Chrysalis of Death" this morning. I got oatmeal for breakfast

12:39p - Greg from TechSys brought pizza in to the office today. Of course.... it would have to be a day when I brought a nice lunch in!

1:57p - Lunch was a painful ordeal. I feel sick. I just rinsed my mouth out with warm salt water, but it is still a blaze of agony. I got Marlene's gift boxed up for her, along with her card a couple of pictures. Now I need to get a label on it. I feel like I'm going to pass out....

3:20p - This day is dragging by and my face is a mass of pain. LZ is in a foul mood with work today. I can sympathize with her feelings. I just hope they don't end up chasing her off. I would hate to see her leave.

4:12p - LZ has gone home for the day. I even her leaving this early, but I would hate having to be to work at 7:30! I think I am going to down another round of aspirin. The inflammation in my mouth is hard to deal with.

5:06p - I am finally counting down the last hour....I am SO ready to go home. I want to go to bed early tonight.

5:33p - Finally... almost time to go. What a long day at work this has been.

There was some kind of accident on the way home last night and the train was delayed at the East Riverfront station for several minutes. Of course, my bus had departed by the time got to the bus stop. I called Deana and she sent her niece Danielle (and her boyfriend) to pick me up. I got home about 7:30p. I was so tired and in so much pain! I fixed a pot of veggie soup and ate the left over half of Ranchero Chicken Wrap that I had in the fridge and was in bed by 9:30a. The kitchen is a mess, but I am too tired to tackle the dishes. Also, the wound on my hand is still weeping and painful. I don't want to subject it to dishwater. I turned the TV off at about 9:55p and didn't wake up until after midnight; my mouth aflame. I took another pain killer.

Thursday - October 23, 2003

I slept at least 9 hours last night, yet I am still tired! I am hardly ever drinking any beer at night these days either (which is, I am sure, a good thing). I think the meds are just wearing me out. It's about time to take a
week off from them. I need to catch up my rest.

10:25a - I am it on the Help Desk today. Gary is only working Tuesdays and Wednesdays now and Lisa called in sick today. I stopped at Olin Hall and got some oatmeal with brown sugar & raisins again, as I did yesterday. It was a bit chillier this morning, so the hot cereal was welcome (and gentle on my poor mouth). I have not bee updating my journal directly for the past few days, but have been keeping entries on an email through the day.

10:29a - At the end of the day I email the entry to myself so I will be able to quickly and accurately catch up my journal when I get the time and energy. Maybe tonight.

10:31a - I have Marlene's package ready to be mailed, but I need to prepare the one for Ruby too. I need some wrapping paper, but I don't know where I am going to find any.

10:44a - Sonya is going to pick up some paper for me in Photography... so I will get the label ready now....

11:20a - The packages are in the mail. The one to Ruby cost more than I expected at $24 ! Ouch! (That's a little over £14.00). And $7 for the one to Marlene.

2:38p - DM covered me for lunch. Eating is such an ordeal with my disasterized mouth. I had a bowl of chili and another pre-made wrap. I thought the chili was going to be a mistake, but it didn't hurt my mouth too bad. I am already getting a touch of afternoon drowsiness though, despite having had so much sleep last night.

3:18p - Today is not as bad as yesterday. My mouth is not quite as painful and I am not as tired. Maybe I will have enough energy to do dishes and/or get my journal updated tonight. Don't place any bets!

5:21p - What a long day, but its nearly over (here at work, that is). Darlene sent me some more of her stories. Not only is she writing her stories with word processing now, but she has learned to use her email account and attach her stories which she is sending to me to put on CD for her. I am so glad to see her using the computer more! And Calisa spent the morning configuring POP3 accounts in MS OutLook Express! I am impressed with both of them! Oh... and Dar said something about possibly purchasing a 3-bedroom house! Wow! That's great... I sure hope she can do this. I am so happy for her. Like I told her, now I will have a place to go when/if my life totally falls apart around me! (partly joking, but then again... none of us are getting younger).

5:30p - I only logged 18 tickets today... but the day's not quite over yet. I have been so depressed lately. I need to go buy myself something to perk myself up. But, I am such a penny-pincher these days. Spending money ends up depressing me too! At least I should be seeing a bit more money on my next check since I got a (measly) 2% raise. It should show on this next check, retroactive from August 1st. It won't be much, but it should be a few extra buck in a lump sum. "More" is always better (in the case of money, at least).

5:38p - I will send this to myself now....

8:10p - I got home on a "normal" schedule tonight. I stopped at KFC for supper and Q-Mart for some beers. I will probably regret the beer in the morning, as I so often do these days, but for the moment it is dulling the pain in my mouth and I am enjoying the escape from the pain. I think I am going to revert my meds back to the way they were. This "reversed" schedule is far worse. I have been so spacey at work, and dizzy, and tired feeling. Of course, bashing my face and the resulting trauma haven't helped, but that's not the reason.

Friday - October 24, 2003
Wopituity Party Day!!

4:44a - I find myself awake and laying here in bed. I wonder if I will get back to sleep or be stuck in limbo again?

I dozed off a little between 6:00a and 7:00a. I had some weird dreams. In one segment, I was at work and Skip called me on my cell phone. He was transferring Clara to me, but she was some airport in an Eastern city somewhere. I can't remember what she wanted me for, but it seems like it was something to do with some kind of promotional thing... strange dream!

12:58p - It's about time for lunch... I had a decent size breakfast this morning of eggs, hash browns & gravy, but I am still hungry.

1:49p - I had some chicken strips, sautéed mushrooms and clam chowder for lunch. I am reading another old book of mine. I think I got it around 1988. It's by Paul J. McAuley and titled "Four Hundred Billion Stars." I am about half way through now. 5:48 - I gotta get outta here! It took forever for me to get the energy to go over to the party. I was just SO tired. But once I did, it was great! Lisa Z. looked like Sally Struthers, Tad & Deana were dressed as a priest and nun (she was "pregnant" ... of course). I contributed 2 bottles of Baccardi to the affair to start with; but there were some people who attended who brought a "tiny" bottle of booze for 3-4 people! (How tacky!). Skip attended around 1:30a ... but wasn't really into it. It was "morning" for him and he didn't feel like partying all that much. I traveled to some late-nite liquor store with "Brad" and bought about $50 booze on my card. I had about $30 of it reimbursed, so only spent about $20 of my own funds. I took a lot of picture (about 60) and had a lot of fun!

Saturday - October 25, 2003

I woke up this morning and did not have any recollection of coming home! What a strange feeling! But... I had fun last night.

I woke up about noon today. It is a dismal, cloudy, dreary day. I felt yucky.

The first thing I did this morning was to make a pot of Onion Soup. I used broth from the roast I cooked earlier this week. The soup came out wonderful!

I was on the computer from around 2pm until 7:30pm. I finally got myself "disconnected" from the PC and walked over to KFC to pick up some supper. I got some beer at Q-Mart ... I was not sure I was going to want to drink any, considering how much I drank last night.

I have been working on pictures from last night most of this afternoon!

Sunday - October 26, 2003
DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME CHANGE IN EFFECT

1:44a - I am just catching up my journal. The beer went down well, and I still have some chicken left. I will be going to bed here shortly, I suppose.

I got to bed late, yet got up about 8:49am this morning. I watched some "Planet of the Apes" movies and did some house work. I found the "Grecian" style planters, but they are too small for the Habañero plants. OH... and one of the plants is very wilted and sickly. I guess they need more water than I thought. I will have to buy some bigger planters for them. I am concerned with the "soil" in these pots. I looks like just some clay soil someone dug up somewhere. It does not hold moisture and is very heavy and solid. I hope I can transplant them okay. I will need to get some good potting soil. They are very nice plants. It's nice to have a yard to plant them in again!

I walked to Wal-Mart this morning. I took my little push cart with me. My intention was to get some end tables. We are sadly lacking in "tables" around here. I am using TV trays for everything and they look very tacky and 'trailer-trashy.' Well, a wheel fell off of the cart just as I was getting to Wally World, so that got my plans all scrambled. However, Tad called me and I arranged with him to come pick me up. Alyose, iih' aantwej' uut' arbor' ums' unmain' aamfr' iime. Iihe sh' ogeingy' uut epe ch' aakb' aany' Uuzteide. Ose ch' aasw' utge Y'utk' elpe imh' aache. I bought a TV stand for about $49... a very nice one with glass front doors, wheels (which I didn't really want) and a place to put VCR, DVD, Satellite and tapes/disks. It should be real nice one I get it put together.

I also picked up some shelving to put up in the laundry area. Altogether, I only spent about $118.00... not too bad. I also got some plastic containers for my rolled coins (which I counted at $271.50 this morning!); and my photo albums.

Tad took my stuff with him, dropping me off at Schnucks. He went home and took a shower, and had Deana take the car back to our place and Skip unloaded it. Then, when I was done shopping at Schnucks, I called Tad who came to pick me up. He tells me that someone stole a bunch of his CD's out if his car during the party Friday night! I am so sick about it for him... I am sure he feels worse. They also stole a stack of expired credit cards! ... boy do they have a surprise in store! Tad thinks he knows who did it, but I suppose there would be no way to prove it. How rude that someone would steal from the host of a party they were invited to! How sad....

10:16p - I just read an email from my friend, Yifang Guo, who is back home in China now. I am so glad to meet and retain friends of such diverse nature. I first met Yifang back in about March of 2001. You can see my DIARY entry at <site>.

I started taking my meds on the previous schedule today. I could not stand taking them in reverse order as I did for the last 2 weeks. It was messing me up! 10:22p - I need to eat and get to bed soon, but I hate the thought of going to work tomorrow! That's sad. I remember when I loved to go to work. But... it has changed (and I assume I have changed). Change is a good thing for the most part, but not like this.... 10:55p - I had another old glass get broken today. I hate that. 11:18p - Supper has been eaten and I'm off to bed. Supper consisted of baked pork chops, cabbage & onion, and mashed potatoes & gravy. The gravy had some Habañero juice in it I could tell. It was a bit spicy, but really good!

Monday - October 27, 2003

7:44a - I slept soundly last night, but I am still so sleepy this morning. I could just crawl back into bed and be asleep in no time. Kira is not used to the time change and got me up about 6:30a to go out. I managed to get back to bed and fall asleep again. My alarm went off and I hit snooze and again fell asleep within that 9 minutes period.

Skip called me at the train depot this morning. He was over in front of the #02 bus and I was sitting up on the benches reading. It was about 8:43a. He told me he was very sick... maybe coming down with the flu. Now I am concerned that this is why I felt so run down and tired this morning?! I hope not. Not after everything I just went thru over the last month or so at work.

I began my XP Pro on-line training course this morning. I went through 12 of 18 lessons in about 45 minutes. I was about to fall asleep during the last 4 or 5 lessons though. It was really bad. My lunch of left over pork, cabbage & mashed potatoes was excellent this afternoon, but I am feeling so run down, it was hard to enjoy them. I stopped by Schnuck's on the way home this evening and picked up a thermometer and some Cepocal spray for Skip; then went by KFC to pick up some food for the both of us.

8:47p - I have the food sitting in the kitchen, but I don't really feel like eating yet. I sure hope I am not getting sick too. I can't tell for sure yet.

8:48p - My injuries are fading quickly. I always did heal quickly. I have a some bruising under my eyes (mostly the right eye), and the bridge of my nose still has a bit of a scab. My lip is still sore but much better. The abrasion under my nose is probably the most painful point so far. I was dry and burning when I got home. Also, the scrape on the back of my right thumb is still pretty painful, but healing as best it can.

Tuesday - October 28, 2003

I slept so fitfully last night. Skip is sick, possibly the flu. I hope I don't get it. I am taking at least 2000mg of vitamin C per day to ward off the evil spirits.

On the way in to work this morning, Skip called. The utility company was at the house and going to turn the power off. Apparently my new landlord, in whose name the bill is in did not pay the bill. I really want to get this bill switched over to my name ASAP! I am never late on bills any more. It has been years since I was late paying a bill by even a day. I was able to keep it from being turned off, but only by pay the full amount of $106.52... and this is after I had already paid $48.15 to BA to keep the power on. I am really displeased with circumstances and wish I had never moved.

I began my on-line training courses this morning. I completed about 12 or 13 of 19 courses this morning. Very basic level-I Windows XP Pro operating system functions.

And of course, Gentry's is still trying to scam me out of paying for their replacing the carpet. I am not sure what I am going to do with them yet. However, I dawned on me a couple of days ago that I have pictures that I took on the day that I moved out. I think I will print them out and send a letter to Gentry's showing them the condition of the carpet.

Wednesday - October 29, 2003

Happy 44th (?) Birthday to my dear childhood friend, "Nini" Denise (Batz) Tyler of Lancaster, CA

Skip is still at home sick. I hope I don't catch whatever he has. I just can't afford to be sick anymore.

I finally got the meat that I bought over the weekend put away tonight. I bought a pork roast which I thought was sliced, but it must have been the only "whole" one on the shelf! So I cut it into 3 pieces and cooked the piece with the bone in it (and froze the rest). At least, I hope it will be frozen. I am not 100% confident in that freezer!

Deana was over visiting tonight. Iish' aasw' itsingye thwe Skip aanje Y'inkth' eith' aitm' aav' umseingth' ogeingy' aanye! <grin> Aimt' aalsh' oshe...

Y'ankdre 16 irzb' uutaitne. Y'idenche t'g' uut' edbe nyilte yaotbe 1:30am.

Thursday - October 30, 2003

I was SO sleepy this morning, even though I slept soundly and never woke once! I finished the Level-I training course this morning and began the Level-II course. I completed about 2 modules, but I was about to fall asleep! I took leftovers from last night for lunch, but it was so much! I ate some of it and left the rest in the fridge. I hope I don't forget about it.

It is so dark when I get home from work now. Oh... and the bus almost did not start this evening! I thought we were going to be stuck, but thankfully it started.

I stopped by Schnuck's  on the way home and bought a bunch of food for the Samhain Feast. I have decided to re-institute the ancient custom of having a Samhainfest on Halloween. I will prepare various food to represent departed loved ones. For Mom I will make her "Golden Salad" which she traditionally made for most any event, especially Thanksgiving. Daddy's specialty which he taught me to make back in Garwood, was Peach Cobbler; so I bought one to bake for dessert. I wish I had time to make it from scratch, but I just won't have time.

Friday - October 31, 2003 12:46a - I am off to bed! Today was a typical day. I did get my raise on my paycheck (retroactive to August 1st) today, but it was not very much. Maybe $100.

Skip went to Macaroni Grill with Deana today. He also bought $9 worth of candy for tonight. We had about 12-15 trick-or-treaters. Far less than I was expecting, but I get home late. So, what can one expect? Skip got some stuff for his room today. I am happy for him. A comforter, a small "entertainment center" and a nice reading lamp. A great improvement.

Blake has not responded to my email today... not sure what's going on there. I hate this feeling of being caught between Tad and Blake! I have other problems going on with Gentry's and health matters. I just don't need this drama in my life!

I sent a birthday card to Nikki by way of Karen tonight. I would have sent a nicer gift, but since she doesn't even tell me that she has moved (much less to where), then I feel she is telling me to move along out of her life. I am very hurt by this. There was a time when I did not really care for her company, oh so many years ago. She seemed to impose herself on me and I politely dealt with it. Then, as time went by, she became a part of my life. I realized what a wonderful and sincere person she was and she became one of my dearest and closest friends. I would defend her to the utmost to anyone who had a complaint or issue with her (which was rare!). I stood by her and she by me from around the time we met in the summer of 1980 until my downfall with the city of Orlando in 1998. During this time I was suffering a most horrible time in my life. I was falling apart and my life was coming to pieces around me. I had been mutilated in an accident, my life companion of 16 years had died a slow and horrible death, I was experiencing clinical depression, insomnia, high blood pressure, cluster migraines and (among other things) I now know that I had a "mini-stroke" (or lacunar infarct).

My mind was a mess, my finances were to the point I was having to beg, borrow and steal (all quite literally). Yet I managed to hide my horror from those I loved most, including Nikki. Though Jack knew right where I was being hit the most, since I would admit things to him that I could not admit to others. Maybe that's where I went wrong? I don't know.

Some of my friends stood by me... some did not. I am still learning, much to my dismay. This is a sad note to end this month with, not to mention The High Sabbat, but those are/were my thoughts on this holy day. May the spirits of my belovéd ones hear my thoughts, feel my emotions and give me strength in times of dire need!

C A L E N D A R

Happy Birthday TO ME ... Now 46! October 3, 1957 Brenda Phelps October 3rd Frances Bowen October 3rd Barry Stoves October 18th Todd Gauvin October 18th David Williams October 3rd Gary Anderson October 16th Chief John Ross October 3rd Marlene Pardue October 21st Yonvadisi October 18th

~EN MEMORIAM~ Remembering... Danielle Debelius Taken from us at age 26 on Oct 21st Todd Gauvin Taken at age 31 Born Oct 18th Eula Vay (Wingate) Bernard Died Oct 4, 1967 The Mighty Quinn 10/21/00 -- 06/09/03 See Memorial